juliajieunkim

I am grieving for the past 10 years

I am grieving for the cost of not having children

And realising the the cost of not going with the grain

The cost of doing what felt right to me

The cost of choosing me

The cost of picking a more non traditional path.

I am grieving the friends and people I have lost along the way

I am grieving the people who don’t understand me

I am grieving the version of myself I wish I could be.

I am grieving for the chances I didn’t take

I am grieving for the opportunities that were there that I didn’t see

I am grieving for the people who supported me that I didn’t recognise at the time

I am grieving not believing in myself more.

No one told me about this part of life

Where grieving is an ongoing process

Even when everything on paper

Looks perfect.

I’ve just been sitting with sadness

Not knowing what to call it,

Or what to do with it

But of course,

And as we have celebrations

We have grievings.

I will grieve

And these words are a starter 

To recognise what’s been lost

And to understand myself

And what a relief it is

To understand myself a little better.